I am discovering that my ability to consume large amounts of food is exponentially proportional to the hunger I get as I contemplate my place in the world. It is the contemplation of what is next and my inability to define a next path that drives me to the kitchen in search of food. The food does not hold any answers and it does not satiate my hunger. All it does is stimulate a few endorphins as I get a bit of pleasure from snack du jour.
I have wondered why I have this avoidance mechanism. Yet I find that asking “why” seems to stop the conversation in its tracks. I guess what I am really wondering is why do I have this detouring routine instead of something else. It is at this moment that I realize that I have made contemplation of my detour behaviors the new detour. The important thing is not how my avoidance works, just that it does. It keeps me from getting to the other side of where I am in this moment. And it keeps my hunger (and thirst) firmly locked in place.
Right about now I would love to ramble off into a steady stream of “if only”, yet I do realize that I know more than I am letting on. All of this avoidance and detouring is about keeping me from seeing, hearing and going where I really want to go. It does seem like madness, yet then I remember it is all about fear. Staying immobile is way better than jumping into what I don’t know. I guess I am addicted to playing it safe.
0 comments:
Post a Comment