Diets are a way I hate myself even more

I was silently chastising myself for not keeping up with my new program. And as my internal dialog continued I realized that dieting and all the ways that I had been looking at my health, weight and eating lifestyle was completely dysfunctional. I realized that this was (perhaps) the last hold out in a long string of ideas that traveled the realms of self hatred and not being good enough the way I am.  As I write this it is becoming a bit clearer. I struggle to be someone different than who I am in this moment and it is this one thought that has locked me into the battle that I fight in so many different parts of my life.  More importantly it is the only battle that I do not wish to fight. I want to be the one that is kind and nurturing to me. That is why I indulge myself in goodies, treats, and food that is not as nourishing as it could be.  Things have gotten so twisted around that I have a hard time seeing that this indulging is all part of the story that says I am not perfect just the way I am. The truth is that I have bought into what I was told and I have spent a lifetime trying to peel down the layers to find me. The real Truth is that I have been standing here all along and I have just not noticed.

I am resisting the temptation to begin again. I am just trying to be here in this moment and feel what it is that I am saying. I am feeling who I am as my fingers type the keys. I am pulling my thoughts back as they drift away to what I will do with the rest of my day as if what I am doing is not enough. I am working to understand how it has never been about what I am eating or doing. In a crude sort of way I am grocking that it has been about accepting who I am. Not about forgiving myself; after all what did I do to me that I need to forgive. It is not about being better than I was; this implies that I will never be good enough as I strive for some unattainable perfection or ideal. I can feel my world collapsing as I struggle with this. I am testing scenarios trying to see how this fits. The Truth is that it does not fit because all the rest is what is ill-fitting. All the rest was a lie. I can feel the avalanche now as all of what I am saying rumbles and rolls away from where I had been standing. I am struggle with wanting this to be brilliant; some universal truth that will stand for all time. The ground continues to shift and I know that it is just a truth in the moment; just a place where I am standing today. Tomorrow I will have moved on. I shift again realizing that I have once more slid with the rocks and have turned away from the moment. I am just who I am in each moment. I can place no judgment or hopes on that. The only thing I do know is that it is time for me to stop hating who I am and start making different choices without judgement.